I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
