Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
