Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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