I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
