Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
