dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just cut my nipple shaving
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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