so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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