I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
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My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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