I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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