K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
