Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
