the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
i believe in u and ur pee
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
