Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
