I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I have feelings that need drinking.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
