I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I faked an abortion last night.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
