Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
