Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
