There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
