No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
