Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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