So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
