They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
