when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
