I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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