Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize