Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize