Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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