just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
