I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
