I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
