y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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