I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
