Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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