i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
