I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
