what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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