life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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