he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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