Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
