I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
