You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
