splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
