Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
