I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
