you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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