The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
