Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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