everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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