You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
