Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
