I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just forgot I was standing up.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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