Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
