i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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