What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
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No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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