Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
