Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Someone shattered a urinal.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
